I have decided that whoever invented the electric water tooth pick is both a genius, and also most definitely a dental masochist. The first rule, I soon discovered, was to proceed with the upmost caution using only the `soft’ setting when embarking on the maiden voyage around the half a century year old molars. The second lesson was, never ever become too `cocky’ to be lured by the excitement of possessing the eternal Colgate smile by venturing the early upgrade from the `soft’ to `normal’ setting… WARNING! Not even the most rigorous risk assessment can protect you from this one!
The third lesson was, if it hurts DON’T under any circumstances pull the water pick out of your mouth! After sandblasting your cheek with the force of a Karcher K2 jet spray no amount of foundation will hide the blotchy red marks that now adorn your face.
Lesson four – NEVER use the pulse setting without supervision!!
I took the decision, purely out of curiosity, to google `make up for the over 50’s’. I was tempted to research `make up for the over 60’s’ but couldn’t face the reality of aging spots and electrolysis hair removal yet.
I really shouldn’t have been that alarmed with the results… especially as there is a billion-pound industry thriving on the insecurities of women. But there they were, literally 100’s of different anti-wrinkle creams, all professing to produce a miracle result within 7 days. Most made the profound declaration that 9 out of 10 women saw a difference to their skin immediately and the marketing slogans ranged from `instant facelift without botox’ to `look younger in days’. All very enticing.
Except for the price tags, which kept me well and truly grounded. Or to be more honest, utterly shell shocked! And so I let my memory drift and float into past days when my mother introduced me to the magical power of egg whites! Yes, egg whites…and not for a souffle either! As a youngster I would regularly use egg whites as a rejuvenating facial mask, backed up by cucumber slices for my tired eyes. Both can be purchased for under £5.00! Note to self – great value but best done in private!
Another teaser I came across was `Tips on applying make-up for the older woman’
The repetitive strain injury in my wrist wasn’t welcome but not perhaps a surprise bearing in mind the hours spent clicking the mouse and visiting 100’s of different sites on Google. However, I was impressed by one in particular and actually persuaded to have a go and follow the instructions.
“First apply the miracle anti-aging serum (£80 a bottle) liberally on the face” she said “giving particular attention to the sensitive area under the eyes...then, massage in the protein enriched moisturiser until fully absorbed ( err hello? Another eye watering £60 a bottle) ”.
And there’s more.…”finally dap around the eyes with the anti-dark circle miracle balm”…which, by the way, she promised would make me look 10 years younger within a week”. At this stage in the proceedings I began to wonder if I would need to take out a second mortgage.
But 3 minutes later all was done and I admired my handywork in the mirror.
Satisfied that I had applied a sufficient undercoat, I then progressed to the top coat and foundation. Apparently, I have using the wrong technique for the over 40 years… instead of a brush, it should have been a sponge! Well, that one caught me out so I had to think on my feet and make do with a spare kitchen sponge that was in the cupboard, a bit rough but it did the trick.
Now for the eye shadow. Upper lid, crease, eyebrow lid AND even eyebrows…yep, they all came in for a treat with different shades. It was at this point I was starting to feel a little uneasy and my mind flicked to a recent Sci-Fi movie I’d watched where the villain’s face melted. But I shrugged off the doubt and continued with the advice.
Oh what! I then had to apply eye liner with the precision of Picasso!…which didn’t bode well at all. Finally, the application of mascara. “This will `open up’ the eyes” the presenter said, but I wasn’t convinced and began to think that my appearance was beginning to look like daisy the cow…who had unfortunately been cross bred with a panda!
To my dismay, the dismantling of my natural looks hadn’t been finished with yet and I was encouraged to mix up several rosy colours on my blusher brush (which miraculously I did find stuffed in the bottom of a drawer) and sweep up high into the cheek bone. The `piece de resistance’ was the lip liner and lipstick. Well, let’s just say I definitely need more practice with this one!! Demonstration finished and task completed I looked at my re-branded reflection in the mirror… and as I gazed all I could muster was “Oh dear God!”